Hellions Magazine presents Jump the Smarks Episode 5: We’ll Do It In Post!!!

Team Hellion brings the wrestling to the masses once again. SummerSlam is upon us and has the build up been good? Edge vs. HHH who is the better wrestler? Does the Hellion have a crush on CM Punk? How do you get your girlfriend into wrestling? Can Kevin get you laid by introducing your girlfriend into wrestling? All these questions and much more are answered in this weeks episode.

WWE – Smackdown tapings for August 15, 2008.

from Rajah.com:

Dark Match:
* Elijah Burke b. Stevie Richards
– The match was slow throughout & the crowd could have cared less. Burke got the win via pinfall.
* A SmackDown vs. Raw 2008 video game highlight package is shown.

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WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event (thoughts and results) August 2, 2008.

Quick Results:

JBL, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiasie, Kane vs. Cryme Tyme, John Cena and Batista

JBL pins JTG

Great Khali vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

Khali pins Wang

Jeff Hardy vs. Edge

Edge pins Hardy

The “autism” edition of SNME aired tonight, and it was a terrible night for wrestling.  Three matches, one of which featured the Great Khali so… you know.  No ECW, no title matches, no Triple H, no Shawn Michaels, no Undertaker, no Chris Jericho, no Divas, no announcements.  CM Punk still doesn’t have an opponent for Summerslam, one of the biggest PPVs of the year.  If WWE doesn’t care enough about this show to put on anything good, then why should I care?  Well, because I write and run a wrestling site that’s why.  But why should the general public care?  Let’s look at the show in detail:

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are the announcers for the evening.  Excellent choice, as they are arguably the greatest duo in wrestling history.  For the opening match they are joined by CM Punk.  Punk does an acceptable job on the headset, but to further what?  We still don’t know who he’s facing at Summerslam.  There was no highlight video, no hype, no best of, not even a “look at how CM Punk became champion”.  Four of the eight men in this match are not well known main eventers — those that the NBC audience might know — and we’re given no reason to care.  If I’m a casual fan I’ve been given no reason to care about half of the wrestlers, and barely any reason for the other half.

Jim Ross tries to hype various NBC shows to little effect.  If I’m not already watching these (which I’m not) he’s given me no reason to start now.

Jeff Foxworthy, Carmen Electra, and Ben Stiller give pre-taped messages about autism.  Now, how to say this delicately?  Are these the best choices of celebrities for autism awareness?  Characteristics of autism include impaired communication and repetitve behavior.  Well, there are few forms of repetitive behavior more repetitve than repeating “you might be a redneck” jokes for the last 20 years.  Or running on a beach in slow motion, or repeatedly dating men that are bad for you.  As far as impaired communication… well I’ve yet to laugh at a Ben Stiller movie, so apparently there’s some sort of mis-communication between us.

The Great Khali “wrestled” tonight.  This is still a wrestling show, the company is not called World Sports-Entertainment Entertainment.  And what better wrestler than Khali?  I get it, he’s big, he’s a freak of nature.  But so is a person born with an extra arm, or their unborn twin’s face growing out of their skull, and I don’t need to see any of them fighting for a world title.

I’ll give Jenny McCarthy all the credit in the world for the work she’s done with autism over the last couple years.  She went from a dumb pretty blonde to an intelligent woman that has used her fame for a greater good.  While the celebrity help she had tonight was lack luster, she has been amazing all the way.

The Jeff Hardy/Edge match never seemed to click tonight.  They’ve fought many times and had many great matches, but this was a forgettable one.  The best part was MVP’s escape through the crowd.  He viciously attacks Jeff and then politely makes his way through the crowd.  Excuse me, ‘scuse me, pardon me, watch your feet, ‘scuse me.  The heel with so much bling he has a heart of gold.

A disappointing show overall, and yet another reason to view the NBC/WWE experiment as a failure.

Saturday Night’s Main Event Spoilers (airing August 2, 2008.)

Dark Match:
* Paul London b. Charlie Haas
– London comes out with a new haircut. He got the win after hitting a shooting star press.

* Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler make their way out to ringside.

Saturday Night’s Main Event: (Airing This Saturday)
* CM Punk comes out to a huge pop with the title belt around his waist as he joins Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross.

* JBL, Cody Rhodes, Kane, and Ted DiBiase Jr. b. John Cena, Cryme Tyme, and Batista.
– JBL got the win after pinning JTG.

* A video of Carmen Electra is shown speaking on autism.

* The Great Khali b. Jimmy Wang Yang.
Khali won via pinfall in a squash match.

* A video of Jeff Foxworthy is shown speaking on autism.

* Jenny McCarthy is on her way out to ringside.

* Edge b. Jeff Hardy
Edge got the win with the spear after MVP came out and kicked Jeff in the head.

WWE – Mike Adamle screws up.

When Shane McMahon’s music hit on Raw last night, Mike Adamle pretty much gave away who the new General Manager of Raw was going to be to the live audience. When the music hit, he strangely left the commentary position and grabbed a ring mic, only to be told to go back to the booth.

Now, while this may have looked strange to the live audience, on TV it came across well.  The camera was on Shane the entire time and when it switched to Adamle standing between John Cena and Batista, the TV audience popped.  There he was, looking cocky and confident, standing between two of the biggest stars in the WWE and about to stir stuff up.

WWE Night of Champions card and thoughts.

Triple Threat match for the ECW Championship: Kane (c) vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry
WWE Championship: Triple H (c) vs. John Cena
World Tag Team Championship: Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes (c) vs. Ted DiBiase and TBD
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista
WWE Diva’s Championship: Natalya vs. TBD
This match will inaugurate SmackDown’s WWE Diva’s Championship by determining the first champion.
WWE Tag Team Championship: John Morrison and The Miz (c) vs. Finlay and Hornswoggle
WWE United States Championship: Matt Hardy (c) vs. Chavo Guerrero
WWE Women’s Championship: Mickie James (c) vs. Katie Lea Burchill
WWE Intercontinental Championship Chris Jericho (c) vs. TBD

The biggest question at this point is who will fill the blanks in some of these matches.  Three matches are missing an opponent.  Here are some possibilities:

WWE Divas title:  After this week’s Smackdown Six Diva tag match that Vickie Guerrero paid next to no attention to, I would think that the front runner to face Natalya is Vickie’s “wedding planner”  Alicia Fox.

WWE Intercontinental title:  The big guess is that Shawn Michaels will make a dramatic return to beat down Chris Jericho.  Another possibility would be a heel swerve by Jericho in which he lays down and lets Lance Cade pin him.  In one move, it puts over Cade, gives him a belt to get over, and frees up Jericho to feud over the World title.

World Tag Team Championship:  Assuming Ted Dibiasie’s partner will also be a second or third generation wrestler, there are a few possibilities in WWE.  It could still be DH Smith, and his draft move was just a swerve.  Cody Rhodes could be bought off and turn on Hardcore Holly.  Or, flying under the radar are two other 2nd generation wrestlers.  Deuce, recently traded to Raw, is the adopted son of Jimmy Superfly Snuka.  Also, Jesse from Smackdown is the son of the late Freebird, Terry Gordy.

We’ll find out tomorrow night.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown Results June 27, 2008.

Vickie Guerrero introduces the new voice of Smackdown – Jim Ross!

Triple H comes out and puts over Smackdown, puts over Jim Ross, and hypes up Night of Champions.  Edge comes out.  Triple H and Edge face off, both with their respective belts.  They insult and one up each other for awhile.  Batista comes out, Triple H tosses Edge out of the ring where Batista spears Edge on the outside.  Batista then steals Edge’s title.

Kane and the Big Show vs. Mark Henry and MVP

MVP and Mark Henry have problems throughout the match.  MVP tries to leave, Mark throws him back into the ring.  Kane hits a choke slam on MVP for the pin.

Vickie is having a meeting with Alicia Fox.  Edge comes in and wants Vickie to do something to Batista so Edge can get his title back.

Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. Kurt Hawkins and Zach Ryder

Finlay hits the Celtic Cross on Hawkins, then Hornswoggle comes off the top rope with the Tadpole Splash for the pin.

Matt Hardy vs. Edge

After a good long match, Edge hits a spear on Hardy for the pin.

Jeff Hardy hype video.  Jeff returns to Smackdown next week.

Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool, and Cherry vs. Maryse, Victoria, and Natalya

Vickie Guerrero is barely watching the match backstage, instead she is continuing to talk to Alicia Fox.  All six Divas brawl until Maryse rolls up Cherry for the pin.

Vladmir Kozlov vs. Domino

Kozlov hits a shouler tackle into Domino as Domino is coming off the top rope for the pin.

Rey Mysterio and Hornswoggle have a little interaction backstage.

Rey Mysterio comes out to say goodbye to Smackdown.

Batista vs. Umaga

Batista is about to pin Umaga when La Familia come out and jump him.  All the heels beat down Batista, Umaga just about destroys him.  Umaga is about to splash Batista when Triple H comes out for the save.  Batista and Triple H take out the heels.

Show ends.