Hellions Magazine presents Jump the Smarks Episode 5: We’ll Do It In Post!!!

Team Hellion brings the wrestling to the masses once again. SummerSlam is upon us and has the build up been good? Edge vs. HHH who is the better wrestler? Does the Hellion have a crush on CM Punk? How do you get your girlfriend into wrestling? Can Kevin get you laid by introducing your girlfriend into wrestling? All these questions and much more are answered in this weeks episode.

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WWE – Smackdown tapings for August 15, 2008.

from Rajah.com:

Dark Match:
* Elijah Burke b. Stevie Richards
– The match was slow throughout & the crowd could have cared less. Burke got the win via pinfall.
* A SmackDown vs. Raw 2008 video game highlight package is shown.

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WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event (thoughts and results) August 2, 2008.

Quick Results:

JBL, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiasie, Kane vs. Cryme Tyme, John Cena and Batista

JBL pins JTG

Great Khali vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

Khali pins Wang

Jeff Hardy vs. Edge

Edge pins Hardy

The “autism” edition of SNME aired tonight, and it was a terrible night for wrestling.  Three matches, one of which featured the Great Khali so… you know.  No ECW, no title matches, no Triple H, no Shawn Michaels, no Undertaker, no Chris Jericho, no Divas, no announcements.  CM Punk still doesn’t have an opponent for Summerslam, one of the biggest PPVs of the year.  If WWE doesn’t care enough about this show to put on anything good, then why should I care?  Well, because I write and run a wrestling site that’s why.  But why should the general public care?  Let’s look at the show in detail:

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are the announcers for the evening.  Excellent choice, as they are arguably the greatest duo in wrestling history.  For the opening match they are joined by CM Punk.  Punk does an acceptable job on the headset, but to further what?  We still don’t know who he’s facing at Summerslam.  There was no highlight video, no hype, no best of, not even a “look at how CM Punk became champion”.  Four of the eight men in this match are not well known main eventers — those that the NBC audience might know — and we’re given no reason to care.  If I’m a casual fan I’ve been given no reason to care about half of the wrestlers, and barely any reason for the other half.

Jim Ross tries to hype various NBC shows to little effect.  If I’m not already watching these (which I’m not) he’s given me no reason to start now.

Jeff Foxworthy, Carmen Electra, and Ben Stiller give pre-taped messages about autism.  Now, how to say this delicately?  Are these the best choices of celebrities for autism awareness?  Characteristics of autism include impaired communication and repetitve behavior.  Well, there are few forms of repetitive behavior more repetitve than repeating “you might be a redneck” jokes for the last 20 years.  Or running on a beach in slow motion, or repeatedly dating men that are bad for you.  As far as impaired communication… well I’ve yet to laugh at a Ben Stiller movie, so apparently there’s some sort of mis-communication between us.

The Great Khali “wrestled” tonight.  This is still a wrestling show, the company is not called World Sports-Entertainment Entertainment.  And what better wrestler than Khali?  I get it, he’s big, he’s a freak of nature.  But so is a person born with an extra arm, or their unborn twin’s face growing out of their skull, and I don’t need to see any of them fighting for a world title.

I’ll give Jenny McCarthy all the credit in the world for the work she’s done with autism over the last couple years.  She went from a dumb pretty blonde to an intelligent woman that has used her fame for a greater good.  While the celebrity help she had tonight was lack luster, she has been amazing all the way.

The Jeff Hardy/Edge match never seemed to click tonight.  They’ve fought many times and had many great matches, but this was a forgettable one.  The best part was MVP’s escape through the crowd.  He viciously attacks Jeff and then politely makes his way through the crowd.  Excuse me, ‘scuse me, pardon me, watch your feet, ‘scuse me.  The heel with so much bling he has a heart of gold.

A disappointing show overall, and yet another reason to view the NBC/WWE experiment as a failure.

WWE – Smackdown spoilers for August 1, 2008.


* Jim Ross & Mick Foley are out to a huge pop.

* The “Cutting Edge” will return tonight with an unannounced special guest.

* MVP has some words with Jeff Hardy at ringside.

* MVP b. Jimmy Wang Yang
– This was a squash match. MVP got the win via pinfall. After it was over Hardy attacked MVP for his comments he made last week.

* Ken Kennedy b. Shelton Benjamin
Kennedy got the win via pinfall in a non-title match.

* Brian Kendrick b. Stevie Richards
– Kendrick got the win via pinfall. The live crowd could have cared less.

* The Great Khali b. Jeff Hardy
MVP came out and distracted Hardy, which caused Khali to get the win. Lots of “you can’t wrestle” chants.

* Maria b. Victoria
– This was Maria’s SmackDown debut. She got the win via pinfall.

* Big Show b. Domino
– This was another squash match. Big Show got the win with a chokeslam. After the match Umaga comes out to the ring and has a staredown with Big Show.

* The Cutting Edge is up next with a special guest, Mick Foley. Edge has a table, ladder, and chair in the ring. Edge talks about his upcoming Hell in a Cell Match at SummerSlam against the Undertaker. He asks Mick for help. Mick denies and they begin fighting. Edge puts Foley on a table and climbs up the ladder with a chair. He jumps off onto Foley. The show goes off the air.

Saturday Night’s Main Event Spoilers (airing August 2, 2008.)

Dark Match:
* Paul London b. Charlie Haas
– London comes out with a new haircut. He got the win after hitting a shooting star press.

* Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler make their way out to ringside.

Saturday Night’s Main Event: (Airing This Saturday)
* CM Punk comes out to a huge pop with the title belt around his waist as he joins Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross.

* JBL, Cody Rhodes, Kane, and Ted DiBiase Jr. b. John Cena, Cryme Tyme, and Batista.
– JBL got the win after pinning JTG.

* A video of Carmen Electra is shown speaking on autism.

* The Great Khali b. Jimmy Wang Yang.
Khali won via pinfall in a squash match.

* A video of Jeff Foxworthy is shown speaking on autism.

* Jenny McCarthy is on her way out to ringside.

* Edge b. Jeff Hardy
Edge got the win with the spear after MVP came out and kicked Jeff in the head.

Hellions Magazine Presents Jump the Smarks Episode 2

PUNK WINS!!!